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Dear healthwellness82@gmail.com, Nothing stays the same... we change jobs, start new relationships (or end old ones), move to new places. Any of life’s transitions can severely test our self-confidence, so here’s help from psychologists Leslie Sokol, PhD, and Marci G. Fox, PhD, authors of Think Confident, Be Confident: A Four-Step Program to Eliminate Doubt and Achieve Lifelong Self-Esteem. They tell how you can overcome any confidence crisis—and keep your self-respect no matter what the circumstance. If you’re tired of the same old salad-and-sandwich routine for lunch, Lisa R. Young, PhD, RD, adjunct professor of nutrition at New York University, has something delicious for you—six healthy and easy recipes for midday meals that will make lunch an event. All the best,  Jessica Kent Editor BottomLineSecrets.com Secrets to Being More Self-Confident Leslie Sokol, PhD, and Marci G. Fox, PhD Paula* received an e-mail from an old friend. Though the two had been close in high school, over the years they had lost touch. Now, her friend was reaching out. But Paula didn’t answer—because she had recently been laid off and was afraid that she would look like a failure. Kate called her husband at work to tell him about an appointment with a doctor she’d had that morning. After a minute, he cut her off and said, "I’ll call you later." Kate thought, "He doesn’t care about me. He probably wishes we weren’t married." Why did Paula worry so much about what an old friend might think? Why did her husband’s momentary distraction lead Kate to question her value as a wife? And what price did each woman pay by refusing or doubting relationships that could have brought them joy? If you (like Paula and Kate) tend to be your own worst critic, learn to boost self-confidence with the following doubt-dispelling strategies... Recognize DOUBT Doubt rises up when you undervalue your own strengths and overemphasize weaknesses. This lets insecurities overwhelm intellect, control mood and dictate behavior—even when there’s no reason to doubt yourself. Example: You’re going to give a presentation at a town hall meeting. You’ve prepared, practiced and successfully addressed audiences before—yet you are beset with worries about messing up. Doubt is distinct from realistic concern, which focuses a reasonable amount of attention on a particular situation that warrants it. For instance: That town hall meeting is in an hour, you were too busy to practice and you’ve lost your presentation notes. Now when you worry, it’s a realistic concern. Before you can build confidence, you must ascertain whether worries stem from doubt or realistic concern. Ask: "Do I have the skills or tools I need to handle this situation?" If not, you have a realistic concern that requires action. If so, doubt is unfounded—and you need to change your thinking. IDENTIFY DOUBT TRIGGERS Doubt triggers are situations that spark a crisis of confidence. An individual’s personal doubt triggers depend primarily on how she would like to be viewed by other people. For this reason, doubts can be activated by another person’s comments or actions—even when the person had no intention of eliciting such a reaction. The two main types of self-doubt... Competency doubt. This occurs in people who want to be seen as capable, intelligent and accomplished. Example: A coworker asks a question about your approach to a project. Instead of seeing this as a potentially helpful opportunity, you perceive it as criticism. You think, "I’m not good enough, I’ve failed," then feel unable to move forward...or you lash out at the questioner, creating a hostile atmosphere. Your trigger is competency doubt if you feel relieved when you finish a task... place great importance on being well paid for your work... and choose your career or other commitments over your personal life when conflicts arise. (Paula displayed competency doubt when she didn’t respond to her old friend.) Desirability doubt. This occurs in people for whom relationships are of primary importance. They want to be regarded as good friends, parents or spouses—in short, as lovable. Example: You overhear friends making plans to dine together, but they don’t invite you. Instead of assuming that they have something to discuss or simply didn’t think of asking you, you worry, "I’m unlikable" or "They don’t value me." As a result, you may cling or complain—and drive others away. Your trigger is desirability doubt if you would rather be called nice than smart... prefer to do a social activity instead of working on your planned goal for the day... or would rather win a good citizen’s award than first place in a competition. (Kate displayed desirability doubt after phoning her husband.) Purpose: Being aware of your doubt triggers helps you identify situations in which you send yourself negative messages with no legitimate reason... and makes it easier to avoid falling prey to an unfounded self-confidence crisis. Remember: What you imagine others are thinking about you may be inaccurate—so try not to assume the worst. CONTRADICT YOUR DOUBT Confidence problems often begin in childhood—for instance, when your dad called you dumb or your mother seemed to like your brother best. Pinpointing the genesis of a specific doubt helps you refute its legitimacy. Example: You catch yourself thinking, "I bounced a check, I really am dumb." Now bring to mind some specific facts that disprove this criticism—"I’m an avid reader and a skilled bridge player." Then move on—"I made a mistake. It’s no big deal." Sometimes self-doubt springs from an emotionally wrenching experience (divorce, job loss), then feelings of failure spread until it feels like you cannot do anything right. Helpful: Identify an aspect of your life that is going well—"Okay, I’m temporarily unemployed. But thanks to the extra free time, I’m finally writing my novel." Take satisfaction in that success. TAKE ACTION Once you recognize the source of doubt and weed out negative thoughts, you can begin to fertilize confidence. This takes practice, but the more often you react confidently to situations, the more it becomes second nature. Try this...
Example: "I finished making that quilt... I led a good meeting."
For instance: "I felt stupid because I got caught in traffic and was late for my appointment. It is important to always be on time." Now consider whether your rule is too strict. Yes, punctuality is good—but sometimes delays are unavoidable. Perfectionism only sets you up for failure.
*Names changed to protect privacy. Bottom Line/Personal interviewed licensed psychologists Leslie Sokol, PhD, and Marci G. Fox, PhD, coauthors of Think Confident, Be Confident: A Four-Step Program to Eliminate Doubt and Achieve Lifelong Self-Esteem (Perigree Trade). Dr. Sokol is director of education and a principal instructor with the Beck Institute of Cognitive Therapy and Research in Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania. Dr. Fox is a senior faculty member in the Beck Institute’s training program.   Delicious ‘Wonder Drug’ for High Blood Pressure Praised by Harvard Researchers Lighten Up Your Lunch Lisa R. Young, PhD, RD For a midday meal that’s packed with taste and nutrition but naturally low in calories, try these lighter versions of traditional lunchtime favorites. Better-for-you bagel Recipe: Cut a whole-grain bagel in half and scoop out the inside. Inside each half, spread 1 Tbsp. of low-fat cream cheese, add 1 oz. of smoked salmon, and top with chopped tomato and onions. Benefits: Fiber for good digestion from the bagel, heart-healthy omega-3 fatty acids from the salmon, and cancer-fighting phytonutrients from the tomato and onion. Calories saved: About 150, compared with a whole bagel and regular cream cheese. On-the-go Trail Mix Recipe: Mix ¼ cup each of walnuts, small multigrain pretzels, broken whole-grain crackers and dried banana chips. Benefits: Energizing protein plus omega-3s from the nuts, magnesium to regulate heartbeat from grains, and potassium for blood pressure control from the banana. Calories saved: At least 100, compared with trail mix with raisins and chocolate chips. Perfect Pasta Primavera Recipe: Cook and drain 3 oz. of whole-wheat linguini. Steam ¼ cup each of chopped broccoli, cauliflower, mushrooms and red bell pepper until tender. Toss pasta and vegetables with ½ cup jarred marinara sauce, heated. Top with 2 tsp. grated fresh Parmesan cheese. Benefits: Protein plus complex carbohydrates to stabilize blood sugar from the pasta, antioxidants from the vegetables and sauce, and bone-strengthening calcium from the cheese. Calories saved: At least 150, compared with pasta in a creamy Alfredo sauce. Super Vegetable soup Recipe: Combine 12 oz. of low-sodium vegetable stock with ¼ cup each of chopped carrots, leeks, zucchini, shredded cabbage and canned cannellini beans, and simmer 10 minutes. Serve chunky or puréed. Benefits: Immune-boosting beta-carotene from the carrots, folate for brain function from the beans, and anticancer phytonutrients from all the vegetables. Calories saved: About 150, compared with a cream-based soup. SAVVY CHEF’S SALAD Recipe: Toss together 2 cups of mixed leafy greens and ¼ cup each of chickpeas and chopped artichoke hearts. Top with a sliced hard-boiled egg, 2 oz. of sliced cooked chicken breast, 1 Tbsp. of crumbled feta cheese and 2 Tbsp. of olive oil-based dressing. Benefits: Vision-protecting lutein from the greens, immune-boosting zinc from the chickpeas and chicken, manganese for thyroid function from the artichokes, and bone-building vitamin D from the egg. Calories saved: At least 350, compared with a restaurant-style chef’s salad. TUNA MELT MAKEOVER Recipe: Combine 3 oz. of drained canned water-packed tuna with 1 Tbsp. of fat-free mayonnaise. Stir in 2 Tbsp. each of diced onions and celery. Spoon tuna onto 2 whole-grain English muffin halves and top each with a slice of low-fat cheese. Broil just until cheese melts. Benefits: Protein and heart-healthy omega-3s from the tuna, vitamin K for wound healing from the celery, and calcium for blood pressure control from the cheese. Calories saved: At least 150, compared with a tuna melt made with regular mayonnaise and full-fat cheese. Bottom Line/Personal interviewed Lisa R. Young, PhD, RD, adjunct professor of nutrition at New York University and a registered dietitian in private practice, both in New York City. She is the author of The Portion Teller Plan (Broadway), www.portionteller.com. Dr. Young is a member of the Bottom Line/Women’s Health advisory board. Depression Dissolved in an Hour! 672 Times Faster than Drugs... and No Black Box Warning Important: Help your friends get much more out of life -- forward this E-letter to them. Better: Send it to many friends and your whole family. This is a free weekly e-mail service of BottomLineSecrets.com and Boardroom Inc. Boardroom Inc. 281 Tresser Boulevard Stamford, CT 06901-3229 ATTN: Web Team You received this e-mail because you have requested it. You are on the mailing list as healthwellness82@gmail.com. Or... a friend forwarded it to you. Disclaimer: Bottom Line Secrets publishes the opinions of expert authorities in many fields. 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