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Dear healthwellness82@gmail.com, Ever heard the phrase "toxic people?" Unfortunately, they turn up all the time -- a coworker, a neighbor, a relative or even a friend could be someone who just has a way of wounding you with words and causing you distress. Mark Goulston, MD, psychiatrist and executive coach, has just what you need -- useful advice on how to recognize the telltale traits of toxic people and five ways to make yourself immune to their poison. If you love the taste of chocolate but loathe its high calorie content, registered dietitians Shara Aaron and Monica Bearden, authors of Chocolate -- A Healthy Passion, share a cooking secret that will satisfy your strongest chocolate cravings and make your food tastier and healthier in one fell swoop. All the best,  Jessica Kent Editor BottomLineSecrets.com What to Say to a Jerk Mark Goulston, MD Communication is challenging enough with the "normal" people in your life -- the ones who want to cooperate and make life better for everyone. When you are forced to deal with jerks -- people who don’t care about social give-and-take -- communication can seem next to impossible, leaving you drained and upset. Jerks tend to trigger powerful negative emotional reactions that take a long time to recover from and that interfere with clear thinking. As a psychiatrist, I refer to jerks as "toxic people." If being around a toxic person is having a destructive effect on your physical or emotional health, you may need to get that person out of your life completely. But in many cases, you can "neutralize" the negative effect that a toxic person has on you. Here, simple ways to do it... Recognize when a person is toxic. Everyone can be uncooperative and selfish some of the time -- and the techniques in this article can work during those times. But a toxic person is different from a person who is just having a bad day. Toxic people have a distinctive view of life. They perceive the world as having cheated them out of something or as owing them something. Nothing good that happens to them changes that perception for long. In contrast to healthy people, who feel entitled to what they deserve... and neurotics, who do not feel entitled to what they deserve... toxic people feel entitled to what they don’t deserve. They do not play by the usual rules of getting along with others. They feel justified in taking, with no compulsion to give. This belief system reveals itself in different ways for different types of toxic people. A toxic bully may aggressively push others around to get his/her way, whereas a toxically needy person may feel entitled to have his hand held constantly or insist that other people fight his battles. Bullies scream and demand. Toxically needy people whine and complain. Adjust your expectations. We expect people to behave reasonably, and the shock that we feel when toxic people do not do so can be quite painful. Toxic people sometimes may appear to be caring and cooperative. This behavior will last only until they get what they want. Don’t be fooled into thinking that they have changed. In addition, the strategies that usually work with nontoxic people -- such as empathizing or appealing to fairness -- do not work with toxic people. Once you have identified a person as toxic, your smartest move is to protect yourself from being blindsided. Expect the person to act solely in his own interests even when he appears to be kind and caring. Hold part of yourself back. Toxic people get what they want by pushing others off balance. They do so by acting in ways that trigger rage, fear, guilt and other strong emotions in others. Remind yourself not to get emotionally engaged. This is their issue, not yours. Helpful: Pause before responding. No matter what the toxic person says or does, make a practice of waiting several seconds or more before you reply. Stay calm. The longer you wait before responding, the more the toxic person may escalate his behavior. For example, he may get even angrier or whine even more. But the behavior is less likely to upset you, because you are keeping your emotional distance. WHAT TO SAY TO A JERK Three good responses to nearly every type of toxic person... "Huh?" This one word can stop a jerk in his tracks. Use a mild, neutral tone of voice. Do this when the toxic person says something utterly ridiculous but acts as if he is being perfectly reasonable. This response conveys that what the toxic person is saying doesn’t make sense. It works because it signals that you are not engaging with the content of what he said. "Do you really believe what you just said?" Use a calm, straightforward tone, not a confrontational one. This question works because toxic people often resort to hyperbole to throw others off balance. They are prone to using the words "always" and "never" to drive home their points. However, don’t expect the toxic person to admit that he is wrong. He is more likely to walk away in a huff -- which is fine because then you won’t have to waste more energy dealing with him. "I can see how this is good for you. Tell me how it’s good for me." This response is a useful way to deal with a toxic person’s demands. If he stalls or changes the subject, you can say, "Since it’s not clear how this is good for me, I’m going to have to say no." Here are other responses to specific types of toxic people... BYE TO BULLIES A bully gets what he wants by scaring other people. Even when he is behaving himself, his presence triggers fear because you never know when he will explode. What to do... Disengage: Most bullies use words and tone of voice as their weapons. Say silently to yourself, This person is not going to physically harm me. Picture his words as rubber bullets that, instead of hitting you between the eyes, zoom over your shoulder. Caution: If there is any possibility that the person may be physically violent, leave at once. Respond: Take a deep breath, and say out loud, "Ah, geez, this is going to be a long conversation" or "You gotta be kidding" (said mockingly to show that the bully hasn’t scared or offended you). Whatever the bully’s reaction -- whether he demands an explanation or continues to attack -- you can calmly say, "You’re upset, I’m starting to shut down, and before we get to anything constructive, the sun is going to set, and then we’re going to have to start all over again tomorrow because I don’t see us reaching any conclusion." If he keeps pushing and says, "I am not upset -- you’re just not listening," you say, "Nah, forget it, it’s gone, gone... the opportunity even to get into a conversation is gone, finito, flew the coop." The bully eventually will give up. You can repeat this approach the next time. If the bully says, "Don’t try that with me again," you just say, "Sorry, I find this exhausting, and I need to preserve my energy. If you can figure out a way to talk with me instead of at me, I’m willing. Until then, count me out." Then walk away -- which will be easy once you let go of the expectation that you will ever reach a win-win solution with this person. NEUTRALIZE NEEDY PEOPLE Unlike people who have a healthy need for others, toxically needy people expect constant help and attention and often use guilt to get it. No matter how much you do for them, it is never enough. They act like victims, suck you dry and leave you feeling depressed and incompetent because nothing ever gets better for them. What to do... Disengage: Imagine that the needy person has a hook that he is trying to snag you with, but the hook has missed you. Respond: A needy person might say in a nails-on-a-chalkboard voice, "It’s not fair." Pause and calmly but firmly say, "It is completely fair to everyone that it affects." GIVE IT TO TAKERS The taker constantly asks you for favors but never seems to have the time or energy to pitch in when you need help. Whereas needy people make you feel as if they are sucking you dry, takers make you feel as if they are grabbing at you. What to do... Disengage: Picture the taker as a child grabbing at you to get your attention. Imagine yourself calmly tapping him on the wrist and saying, "Now, now, wait your turn." Respond: Make a mental list of ways the taker could help you. The next time he asks for a favor say, "Sure! And you can help me out by... " If he balks, say, "I assume you don’t mind doing a favor for me in return, right?" Insist on a quid pro quo each time, and the taker will soon move on to an easier target. 8 Signs of a Jerk A toxic person...
2. Doesn’t take turns. 3. Takes advantage of people who are down. 4. Gloats in victory. 5. Is sullen in defeat. 6. Is not fair. 7. Lacks integrity. 8. Is the kind of person you’ll avoid if you possibly can. Bottom Line/Personal interviewed Mark Goulston, MD, psychiatrist, business consultant, executive coach, and FBI and police hostage negotiation trainer, Santa Monica, California. A best-selling author, he writes a column on leadership for Fast Company and contributes to Harvard Business Review. His books include Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone (Amacom). www.MarkGoulston.com   Are You or Your Loved Ones Taking Any of These Highly Prescribed Medicines? Chocolate Extravaganza Shara Aaron, RD Monica Bearden, RD Chocolate tastes great -- and it’s good for you, too. Its antioxidant flavonols may improve blood flow, blood pressure, skin and brain health. For these light recipes, use unsweetened cocoa powder (not Dutch process, which has fewer flavonols). It provides chocolaty flavor for only about 25 calories per tablespoon. COCOA BARBECUE SAUCE 3 Tbsp dark brown sugar In a small saucepan, combine first 7 ingredients. Bring to a boil over medium heat. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 30 minutes. In last 5 minutes of simmer, gradually add cocoa, stirring until dissolved. Stir in cilantro. Remove sauce from heat. Use as a marinade or serve over cooked beef, chicken, fish or pork. Makes about 2 cups or 6 servings.¹ COCOA curry salad dressing 1 Tbsp minced garlic In a medium-size bowl, mix garlic, sugar and mustard. In a separate bowl, mix curry, cocoa, orange juice and vinegar to make a paste. Stir paste into first bowl. Whisk oil into mixture until fully combined. Stir in seasonings and herbs. Drizzle over salad greens. Makes 8 servings.¹ AIRy CHOCOLATE DELIGHT ½ cup cold water Pour cold water into a blender, sprinkle gelatin on top and let stand 4 minutes. Stir well. Add boiling water. Cover and blend until gelatin dissolves. Add milk powder, cocoa, vanilla and salt, and blend on medium speed until well mixed. Add sugar or sugar substitute and ice cubes, and blend on high speed until smooth. Pour into 8 small bowls, swirling tops. Cover each with tented foil. Refrigerate for 4 hours or until firm. Makes 8 servings.² SO-CHOCOLATE SORBET 1 ¼ cups water Combine water and sugar in a medium-size saucepan. Bring to a boil over medium heat. Add cocoa and stir for 2 to 4 minutes until mixture is smooth. Remove from heat. Add chocolate and stir until melted. Pour into a bowl. Cover tightly with plastic wrap and cool to room temperature, then freeze for 3 or more hours. Process in an ice-cream maker according to manufacturer’s instructions. Makes 1 pint or 4 servings.³ *Use a heat-stable sugar substitute that measures like sugar, such as Splenda Granulated. Recipes: ¹Chef Ken Gladysz, Hotel Hershey... ²Hershey Kitchens... ³Chocolate Manufacturers Assn. Bottom Line/Women’s Health interviewed Shara Aaron, RD, and Monica Bearden, RD, co-owners of NutCom Nutrition Communications. They are authors of Chocolate -- A Healthy Passion (Prometheus), which won a Gourmand World Cookbook Award and from which three of the above recipes are adapted. They write and lecture nationally on nutrition, health and wellness. www.nut-com.com Blast Away High Cholesterol. Lose 67 Points in Just 28 Days Important: Help your friends get much more out of life -- forward this E-letter to them. Better: Send it to many friends and your whole family. This is a free weekly e-mail service of BottomLineSecrets.com and Boardroom Inc. Boardroom Inc. 281 Tresser Boulevard Stamford, CT 06901-3229 ATTN: Web Team You received this e-mail because you have requested it. You are on the mailing list as healthwellness82@gmail.com. Or... a friend forwarded it to you. Disclaimer: Bottom Line Secrets publishes the opinions of expert authorities in many fields. But the use of these opinions is no substitute for legal, accounting, investment, medical and other professional services to suit your specific personal needs. Always consult a competent professional for answers to your specific questions. Bottom Line Secrets is a registered trademark of Boardroom Inc. Subscribe | Unsubscribe | Update My E-mail Preferences Change My E-mail Address | Contact Us | Privacy Policy Copyright (c) 2011 by Boardroom Inc. |
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