Living With an Angry Spouse

Don't miss any of HealthyWoman from Bottom Line. Add our address, HealthyWomanfromBottomLine@ebhw.bottomlinesecrets.com, to your Address Book or Safe List. Learn how here. February 3, 2011  Living With an Angry Spouse Heart Attacks Are Now Preventable Berries "Clean House" in the Brain Delicious "Wonder Drug" for High Blood Pressure Praised by Harvard Researchers Breakthrough Treatment for Heart Valve Problems   Living With an Angry Spouse My friend loves her husband, but ever since he lost his job, she doesn’t enjoy being around him because he’s like a time bomb that could explode any second. She has tried reasoning with him... shouting back... biting her tongue... apologizing... and avoiding doing any little thing that might set him off. She realizes that he isn’t really angry at her, per se, but she hates it when he takes out his frustrations on her. Though they’ve been together for decades, she’s not sure how much more she can put up with. On my friend’s behalf, I contacted psychologist W. Robert Nay, PhD, author of Overcoming Anger in Your Relationship. He told me that anger is a huge roadblock to intimacy -- and that it tends to escalate. "Typically, it starts with withholding conversation or affection. Next comes sarcasm ('Oh no, you never do anything wrong'), then contempt ('What were you thinking -- or were you thinking at all?') and name calling ('You’re an idiot')." If the trend continues, anger may turn physical. Are you, too, living with an angry partner? If you are in physical danger, obviously you must remove yourself from the situation immediately. But if the problem is not that severe, Dr. Nay recommended trying the following steps to repair the relationship. First, prepare yourself... Keep an anger log. For several weeks, write down the details of angry encounters -- who said and did what, plus how you felt. Review your notes, and consider which behaviors bothered you -- for example, being ridiculed... yelled at... criticized in front of others. Your eventual goal is to establish new boundaries for your spouse’s behavior, but first you must figure out what you want those boundaries to be. Consider how you "reward" bad behavior. Look at your log again, focusing on your reaction to your partner’s anger. Do you cry, shout, slam doors, treat him with kid gloves, apologize for everything from the economy to the weather? Your spouse may get perverse satisfaction from this -- so if you stop delivering that payoff, he may become less interested in provoking you, Dr. Nay said. Remember: You cannot control his behavior, but you can control your reaction. Next, when you are both calm and not distracted, initiate the "big conversation"... Clearly explain to your spouse the problems you see. You might begin with, "I love you, but I’m concerned about certain behaviors." Then get specific -- for instance, say, "I do not like it when you insult me in front of our friends. It embarrasses me." If your husband says that you’re exaggerating, your log can back up your statements. Accept responsibility for your own behavior -- but not his. Often an angry person passes the blame, saying, "If you would stop nagging, I wouldn’t get upset." Acknowledge your role without buying into his excuses -- for example, say, "I will work on finding better ways to remind you of things. Even so, it is not acceptable for you to ridicule me." Inform your spouse of your new boundaries. Say something like, "In the future, I expect basic courtesy from you. This means speaking in a normal voice, as you would to a friend or coworker -- not shouting. When you are civil, I will be happy to discuss whatever is upsetting you. Otherwise, I will not be available to talk or do things with you." Then follow through... Consistently do what you said you would do. Your actions must reinforce your words. Whenever your partner begins to violate your boundaries, remind him to communicate calmly -- and if he does not, walk away. If you cannot leave the area (for instance, because you are in a car together), stop interacting with him until he calms down, Dr. Nay suggested. Compliment improvements in his behavior. Instead of rewarding his negative behaviors with drama, reward positive actions with praise and affection. This may encourage him to improve further. Urge him to get a medical and psychological evaluation. If the strategies above do not help, consider whether chronic pain, medication side effects, depression or some other condition might be sparking his rages. Once he gets treatment for that underlying problem, his anger may abate. Be patient. You are likely to encounter some stonewalling ("I don’t deal with feelings" or "You sound like a broken record"), but try not to get discouraged. With all this discussion, your partner probably is doing some thinking and changing, though it may not be on your timetable. Dr. Nay said, "You set a new course and invite your partner to come along with you -- and perhaps he will." Source: W. Robert Nay, PhD, is a clinical associate professor of psychology at Georgetown University School of Medicine in Washington, DC, and a clinical psychologist in private practice in McLean, Virginia, and Annapolis, Maryland. He is the author of Overcoming Anger in Your Relationship: How to Break the Cycle of Arguments, Putdowns, and Stony Silences and Taking Charge of Anger: How to Resolve Conflict, Sustain Relationships, and Express Yourself Without Losing Control (both from Guilford). www.WRobertNay.com Heart Attacks Are Now Preventable The number of heart attacks has increased by 27% over the past 20 years, in spite of all the supposed advances of modern medicine. What’s going on here? Could we be mistaken about some things? Perhaps we’re under some major misconceptions about heart disease. Like... Myth #1 -- Heart disease and heart attacks are an inevitable part of aging. Myth #2 -- Cholesterol is the main cause of heart disease and heart attacks. Myth #3 -- Blood pressure drugs help you avoid heart problems and live longer. Myth #4 -- Aggressive, "type A" behavior increases your risk of a heart attack. Myth #5 -- Low-fat, low-cholesterol diets are good for you and your heart. Learn more... Berries "Clean House" in the Brain One way our brains stay in tip-top shape is through a natural "housekeeping" mechanism. Like little vacuum cleaners, cells called microglia clear away harmful proteins and other debris that otherwise would gunk up our brains. As we age, however, microglia don’t work as well -- so biochemical debris accumulates and leads to memory loss and other signs of mental decline. New finding: Researchers studying cultures of animal brain cells discovered that extracts of blueberries, strawberries and acai berries helped restore the normal housekeeping mechanism (called autophagy) in the brain by activating certain proteins involved in this function... and by inhibiting the action of a protein that interferes with microglia. Natural compounds called polyphenolics, which have anti-inflammatory and antioxidant properties, may be responsible for berries’ beneficial effects. It’s yet one more good reason why a healthful diet includes berries and other polyphenolic-rich foods, such as deep red, orange and purple fruits and vegetables. Source: Shibu Poulose, PhD, is a molecular biologist at the Human Nutrition Research Center on Aging, part of the USDA-Agricultural Research Service in Boston. Dr. Poulose conducted a laboratory study on berries and the aging brain. Delicious "Wonder Drug" for High Blood Pressure Praised by Harvard Researchers According to recent estimates, nearly one in three American adults has high blood pressure. But for the Kuna Indians living on a group of islands off the Caribbean coast of Panama, hypertension doesn’t even exist. In fact, after age 60, the average blood pressure for Kuna Indian islanders is a perfect 110/70. So what makes these folks practically "immune" to hypertension -- and lets them enjoy much lower death rates from heart attacks, strokes, diabetes and cancer? Harvard researchers were stunned to discover it’s because they drink about five cups of cocoa each day. That’s right, cocoa! Learn more... Breakthrough Treatment for Heart Valve Problems Here is potentially life-saving news for people with severe aortic stenosis, a narrowing or obstruction of the heart’s aortic valve (which connects the left ventricle of the heart to the body’s main artery). Many patients who have been told that they are too old or too sick to risk traditional valve-replacement surgery -- despite having a poor prognosis without it -- will soon be able to get that much-needed new valve with a safer, less invasive procedure called transcatheter heart valve-replacement surgery. To learn more about this breakthrough, I called University of Western Ontario cardiac surgeon Michael Chu, MD, one of the pioneers of this technique. But before I convey the details on the new procedure -- which is currently approved and available in Europe and under investigation in the US and Canada -- let me cover some basics. The heart has four valves. Each valve has flaplike doors called leaflets that open and close in a coordinated rhythm with every heartbeat. When the aortic valve develops stenosis -- for instance, from a buildup of calcium deposits -- it stiffens and narrows and its leaflets do not open far enough. Less blood is pumped through with each heartbeat, so the heart must work harder to pump normal amounts of blood. Over time, the heart muscle compensates by getting thicker... and eventually the heart begins to fail. Early on, people with aortic stenosis may have no symptoms. But as the disease progresses, they experience shortness of breath, muscle weakness, chest pressure or pain, dizziness and/or loss of consciousness. Aortic stenosis can lead to congestive heart failure and, in some cases, to sudden cardiac death. Dietary and lifestyle changes, such as eating less salt and getting more aerobic exercise, may help manage some symptoms of aortic stenosis -- but they cannot cure it. There are no medications to treat severe aortic stenosis. When symptoms are severe and cardiac function declines, surgery is needed -- and therein lies the problem for many patients. Dr. Chu told me that conventional aortic valve replacement is routinely performed in younger, low-risk patients with excellent results. However, for patients over age 75 or those with other health problems (such as a history of stroke, lung disease or kidney disease), conventional surgery can be very risky. Yet without a replacement valve, only about half of such patients survive for more than a year. The new procedure offers hope for high-risk patients who otherwise would not be candidates for surgery. By way of comparison... Conventional valve-replacement surgery is open-heart surgery done under general anesthesia. The breastbone is cut open... the patient is put on a heart-lung bypass machine... and the heart is stopped while the new valve is put in place. The patient typically spends seven days in the hospital. Recovery takes about three months. Transcatheter heart valve-replacement surgery also is done under general anesthesia or under a lighter form called sedation. The surgeon makes a small incision in the groin, then threads a catheter through the femoral artery and up to the heart. A balloon is fed through the catheter and then inflated to widen the constricted valve area. The new valve is pushed up the catheter and into the heart, then implanted within the old valve. The breastbone is not cut, and no heart-lung bypass is needed -- because all the while, the heart keeps beating and supplying oxygenated blood to the body. The procedure typically requires a three-to-four-day hospital stay and a one-to-two-week recovery period. With conventional valve surgery in these high-risk patients, stroke rates as high as 20% have been reported... and 10% to 15% of patients die within 30 days of the procedure, Dr. Chu said. By comparison, in a study of patients ineligible for the conventional surgery (average age in the early 80s) who instead had transcatheter surgery, only about 4% had a stroke... and 5% to 10% died within 30 days of the procedure. Long-term results for transcatheter surgery are not yet known, but early data is promising, Dr. Chu said. More than 10,000 transcatheter heart valve replacements have been done worldwide. Dr. Chu estimates that the FDA will approve the procedure within five years. In the meantime, patients with severely stenotic heart valves may want to consider having the procedure done abroad... or joining one of the US clinical trials currently recruiting participants (visit http://ClinicalTrials.gov and type "aortic transcatheter" in the search box). Source: Michael Chu, MD, is an assistant professor in the division of cardiac surgery at University of Western Ontario and associate researcher at Lawson Health Research Institute, both in London, Ontario. He is the lead author of a recent review on transcatheter heart valve replacement published in Canadian Medical Association Journal. Tamara Eberlein, the editor of HealthyWoman from Bottom Line, has been a health journalist for nearly three decades. An award-winning author of four books, she is committed to helping other women in midlife and beyond live healthy, fulfilling lives. She is also the "chief health adviser" to her husband of 25 years, college-age twins and teenaged son. BOTTOMLINESECRETS.COM Terms & Conditions Privacy Policy About Us Contact US Bottom Line Publications | 281 Tresser Boulevard, 8th Floor | Stamford, CT 06901 You received this free E-letter because you have requested it. You are on the mailing list as healthwellness82@gmail.com. Or... a friend forwarded it to you. Click here to easily unsubscribe. To change your e-mail address click here. To update your e-mail preferences click here. © 2011 by Boardroom Inc. All Rights Reserved.