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Dear healthwellness82@gmail.com, Did you ever hear the story of how CNN news anchor Anderson Cooper called his famous mother, Gloria Vanderbilt, in honor of Mother’s Day -- only to hear her scold him for not calling her often enough? (He blushed bright red... on live TV!) Whether you’re a parent, a grown child or both, Jane Isay, author of Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents, has advice on how to foster a comfortable relationship. Here’s a nasty thought about an everyday object: Your toothbrush may be harboring dangerous viruses and other pathogens. Paula Shannon Jones, DDS, past president of the Academy of General Dentistry in Chicago, shares four easy tips for keeping your toothbrush from turning into a dangerous weapon. All the best,  Jessica Kent Editor BottomLineSecrets.com Don’t forget to check out Bottom Line President Marjory Abrams’ latest blog posting: Do You Coupon? And don’t forget to share your thoughts on the blog with Margie. Staying Close to Grown Kids Jane Isay Parents often feel marginalized as their children make the transition into adulthood. Grown kids never seem to have time for them. They ask for advice but just as often ignore it. Quarrels and sometimes long silences are almost inevitable -- and painful. Both generations find themselves walking on eggshells as they figure out the rules of their changed relationship. Here’s how to successfully make the transition... DON’T DEMAND I call children in their 20s the “gotta go” generation. You phone them to have a nice chat, and they say “gotta go” after about one minute. They rarely visit. Phone calls don’t get returned. Parents understandably feel brushed aside -- and frustrated. Children at this age are legally adults, but psychologically they’re in an in-between zone. They’re learning to be independent and need to push away their parents. At the same time, they crave support and approval from their parents. As they become more confident of themselves and trust that parents will respect their boundaries, things do get better. A lot of parents make their children feel guilty by saying things such as, “You never call” or “I hardly ever see you.” Relationships filled with guilt don’t thrive. The more parents demand, the more likely it is that their children will find excuses to keep their distance. What to do: When things get tense, stay in touch but without exerting pressure. Send chatty E-mails that don’t require a reply. Drop a book or an interesting article in the mail for your child to read. Little gestures help maintain closeness but still allow grown children to set their own agendas. Humor helps. My youngest son, who works in politics, is extremely busy. He often doesn’t return my phone messages. Once, when I really needed to talk to him, I left a message that said, “If you don’t call back, I’ll vote for the opposition.” He called back right away. GIVE RESPECTFUL ADVICE One of the hardest jobs of parenting is to stand back when a child is having difficulties -- failing in college... losing a job... having financial problems... getting a divorce... etc. Our hearts break when a grown child is in trouble. Our instinct as parents is to fix things. Unfortunately, unsolicited advice comes across as meddling. People rarely change their behavior when they feel lectured to. Often, they withdraw. Helpful: Wait for your child to ask before giving advice. Even then, make sure that your advice doesn’t come across as judgmental. Instead of saying, “Here’s what you should do,” say... “Some people might think that the best thing... ” “Someone I know was in the same situation... ” “Have you thought about... ” One woman told me that her children often turn to their father for advice because he always says, “Do whatever you think is best.” There’s no greater gift to a grown child than saying that you trust his/her judgment. STEP DOWN FROM THE PEDESTAL We parents spend decades being in charge of our children’s lives. Our children see us as symbols of authority and power. Some parents try to maintain the aura of power after their children leave home. That’s a mistake. Shedding the parental mystique can lead parents and children into a more realistic and honest relationship -- and a closer one. Share your humanity with your children. Let them know about your hopes, fears and disappointments. Be a real person -- not some austere figure to look up to or fear. Example: A woman I know sought job advice from her successful executive daughter. It worked. The mother got a raise, and the daughter got the satisfaction of helping her mom. Some parents go too far in the other direction, trying too hard to be their children’s friends. They share intimate details (such as about their sex lives) that children never want to hear. Be honest -- but save sensitive confidences for your closest friends. ADMIT TO OLD HURTS All parents have regrets about past behavior relating to their children. People who don’t deal with such guilt may find themselves withdrawing from their children, because it’s less painful than being in situations that remind them of things they’re ashamed of. If you’re feeling guilty about something from the past that involves your now-grown child, put it on the table. Apologize and talk about it. Everyone will feel better afterward. You might even discover that what you feel worst about didn’t even bother your child. Example: One mom I talked to apologized to her adult son for sending him to such a demanding school. He told her that the school was fine -- what he really had hated was camp. NEVER CRITICIZE A SPOUSE One of the biggest mistakes that parents make is criticizing the spouse or partner of one of their children. There might be disagreements about politics or parenting styles... or there might simply be bad “chemistry.” Share these feelings with your friends perhaps -- but not with your children. If you force a grown child to make a choice between you and his partner, you’re going to lose. Your child can employ the ultimate weapon -- distance. If you criticize the partner or act in a way that’s disrespectful to him, your child will pull away. He might do it with regrets, but he’ll do it anyway. Also, don’t interfere with your children’s decisions about raising their own kids (unless you feel they are being truly negligent). Maybe you think your grandkids are getting too many treats or going to bed too late at night. Stay out of it. They will survive. Bottom Line/Personal interviewed Jane Isay, author of Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents (Flying Dolphin). She traveled the country, interviewing more than 75 people about how to stay close to grown kids. She has been a book editor for more than 40 years and edited the nonfiction classics Praying for Sheetrock and Friday Night Lights. She lives in New York City (not far from her two grown sons).   Arthritis Vanishes So Fast I Am in a State of Shock! Free Recipe Requires Just Two Ingredients... How to Care for Your Toothbrush Paula Shannon Jones, DDS You rely on it to promote oral health -- but a toothbrush that is not properly maintained may house bacteria and viruses that transmit colds, flu, cold sores and other ailments. What to do for your toothbrush...
Bottom Line/Women’s Health interviewed Paula Shannon Jones, DDS, past president, Academy of General Dentistry, Chicago, and a founding contributor to the Academy’s free dental health forum for the public, www.KnowYourTeeth.com. Important: Help your friends get much more out of life -- forward this E-letter to them. Better: Send it to many friends and your whole family. This is a free weekly e-mail service of BottomLineSecrets.com and Boardroom Inc. Boardroom Inc. 281 Tresser Boulevard Stamford, CT 06901-3229 ATTN: Web Team You received this e-mail because you have requested it. You are on the mailing list as healthwellness82@gmail.com. Or... a friend forwarded it to you. Disclaimer: Bottom Line Secrets publishes the opinions of expert authorities in many fields. But the use of these opinions is no substitute for legal, accounting, investment, medical and other professional services to suit your specific personal needs. Always consult a competent professional for answers to your specific questions. Bottom Line Secrets is a registered trademark of Boardroom Inc. Subscribe | Unsubscribe | Update My E-mail Preferences Change My E-mail Address | Contact Us | Privacy Policy Copyright (c) 2011 by Boardroom Inc. |
Give it a good home. When several toothbrushes are jumbled together, germs can migrate from brush to brush -- so use a holder that keeps toothbrushes upright and separate. Place the holder at least six feet from the toilet -- water particles can travel several feet with each flush. (Better yet, close the toilet lid before flushing.)
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